Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments or talents and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".

It's a good thing I don't have many accomplishments in the first place amirite?
Or is that part of it? Heh.

I sit in this Iron Throne of a computer chair trying to ignore this chronic pain of my back and shoulder while I attempt to get something done.

I've talked about addiction and ADHD getting in my way when it comes to developing something useful for this network, but truly this has to be the worst debilitating factor in my quest. My rotator cuff is so jacked up that I can't even type on my computer for very long before I start to feel it.

Then I go to work for 25 hours a week and it gets messed with any more. No time to heal, no time to rest. Work work work until you die. Get over it. These statements don't even apply to me as much as they do everyone else. I've got it "easy".

A person like me needs a lot of support to get anything done. This kind of support is something I've never had in life. In my younger years, my dad thought he was helping me out by paying for my school and encouraging me to start a career in computer science. Get a job and become a mindless zombie until I retire just like him and everyone else he's ever known.

Oh! Such white privilege!

I must not know how good I have it. lol

When it really comes down to it, to be at my best I'd need quite a bit of help. I need a dietitian, chef, physical trainer, maid, masseuse, and a doctor that doesn't have his head up his own ass (tough sell). More than anything I need an entire community that rallies around the same common goals that I have.

Ah! So you want to be that rich guy that has servants do everything for them?

Ug!

Is it seriously worth it for the world when someone of my ability and drive gets forced into working 25 hours at a warehouse that sorts packages? Is it really? That is already a job that can be fully automated by robots, and the only reason it hasn't been fully automated by robots is because robots are expensive and wage-slavery is not. On top of that shit-sandwich, the economy is so broken that if you automate all the shit jobs away then the velocity and distribution of money in the economy locks up and the entire system fails. We are seeing this lockup happen in real time right before our very eyes.

When we look at the maximum potential of what the world is capable of (7 billion people working together) compared to what we have now, it's truly a sick joke. Tribalism reigns supreme. You'd better dominate and enslave as many people as you can for your own tribe before someone else comes along and does the same. Zero-sum game, zero synergy.

Back to the topic at hand: me.

Yeah so I have a lot of ideas. I have a lot of unrealized potential, but then again that's how it's always been. Am I doomed to remain that way? Maybe.

Sometimes I have an idea and I remind myself of my mother, who also pitches me an idea from time to time. Except in that situation I'm always thinking in the back of my mind: "that can never work". Perhaps my ideas are the same and I'm simply blind to the facts.

On that note, I've been working a bit more on my Card's Against Humanity clone. I've decided this is where I need to put my focus because even though I have much simpler ideas that I could complete much more quickly it's impossible to capture any value from those projects for myself.

Consider me a starving artist (a not-so experienced one at that). I need seed money to kickstart this operation, and I've greatly overestimated crypto's ability to make me rich in a short period of time.

I still hold out hope for the forth year of the Bitcoin bubble cycle, but the world is in such disarray right now. Money is worthless when goods and services become extremely limited in supply. Will I really be surprised if the stock market crashes into the mountain and Bitcoin goes with it? Not really, even though we all consider Bitcoin a hedge against the system, the system is all we have.

Another note on Amazon

When I worked at PDX airport I was like oh man here we go I'm gonna be working with a bunch of low-class trashers. For the most part I was right (there was also a large islander clique there). I later applied that same logic to the Amazon job and was surprisingly very wrong. The amount of diversity there is pretty mind-blowing. People of all ages, shapes, sizes, colors, and goals coming together... to sort packages. I feel like it's really a testament to how spiraled down the toilet the world has truly become. The work being done there certainly below the caliber of 90% of the employees working there, yet here we all are, clawing away at a part-time job with little ability to improve our station.

Something's gotta give.

2020 is a crazy year; probably the craziest one I've ever lived and it's not even over yet. All I can hope to do going forward is hedge my bets as much as possible and not try to fall through the cracks with the rest of the bottom of the pyramid.

Conclusion

I'd say one of my biggest weaknesses is networking, collaboration, and communication. While I haven't gotten much done around here in terms of practical application, I am pretty happy with the connections I've made around here.

I came into this network thinking I'd never even make it to dolphin status. Now I have the stake of 18 dolphins. Even more important than that, I've shaken things up and gotten the attention of over a dozen whales and top witnesses around here, and I've made connections with quite a few other devs as well. On the non-development side of things, I believe many of the connections I've made around here are strong and can be forged into beacons of permanent trust. Reputation is everything.

It is these connections and reputations within the community that will be the most important thing moving forward into this vast unknown. The Hive community has already proven multiple times that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. The roots of this tree are firmly entrenched. We aren't going anywhere.

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